but what if you do. that's the problem. what if you do exist.
i don't trust me
the fairies made my family what they are . we have a long history with them. what if you do exist and when i do here does matter and.
im not saying i am. im not saying that. but what if i fall in love with you? what if i don't forget when i go back? im being serious here. there's a chance i won't. im not like the other people here.
What year is it in your world? I was in the year 2150. It was February 16th, the day I died. My ascension day. About a hundred years before that, the world burned. Almost all of it. A great fire engulfed the earth and flooded what didn't burn with radiation that killed almost everyone who did not manage to hide underground. We would've died, stuck like rats in a caved-in burrow if not for Becca coming from the sky and giving us the nightblood.
I promise you, Leksa Kom Trikru does not exist in your world. There is only one me, and she will be back in the flame where she was fated to be since before she was even born when the fey are done with her. Until the end of the Earth, or the end of the need for Commanders. It is the way of things.
Everyone forgets, Ren, except those of near-equal power to our captors or those who make a deal. I will forget. Which is a great tragedy... no sliver of love is worth throwing away or losing, however fleeting or unrequited. Most people here are alike each other only in surface things. I am not like anyone else, either. Beau is different. Peony is different. There's a blue man with horns, half-elves which I guess are a thing... But how we come and go seems fairly universal to me after a year and even those who would benefit from remembering when they go home, don't. [Largely.]
She barely had thirty years until the Apocalypse. She barely had thirty to stop it from happening. Fuck. How old would she even be in thirty years? Sixty? No. Wait. Eighteen plus thirty was...
Fourty-Eight.
If she lived that long it would be nothing short of a miracle or through the strength of her pack. Which meant she had to stop it from happening well before that. For all that this was important...she couldn't ignore the sense to dread that griped her throat at the thought of it. There was no guarantee she would last that long.]
but how do you know
everyone who doesn't remember comes back
nobody who doesn't can't be asked about what they don't remember
[Lexa can almost see the point sailing right past Ren's head as she waits for the reply and is, of course, greeted by just that when Ren writes back to her.
She sighs softly.]
While you are correct in that, Ren, I have powerful and knowledgable enough friends here and the fey do not seem to lie at all, merely twist their words now and then when it suits them. And I do not think it would suit them to have hundreds of people who in their own worlds are incredibly powerful, beyond what I even understand, to be pissed at them. Making us forget is a safeguard for them not a means to mind our hearts or the sanctity of our worlds.
You do not let a prisoner go free with information about you if you can avoid it, and they are more than capable of avoiding it.
It depends on why they're imprisoned. And who is to say the world going on as it should have before is not of use to them? They cannot draw people from worlds if those worlds break down.
All of this is beyond the point, which is that no ill will come of you being yourself in this place. No one cares, Ren, save for you.
if anyone knew, back home, it would be the end of me
im not sayin that's right but im sayin its a fact
if you're lookin for someone who knows how to deal with this shit, you're lookin in the wrong direction, i already warned you i fuck everything like this up
[It's like talking to a brick wall, sweet Becca why.]
They will not know Ren. I promise you. If I thought for a second anyone back home would find out I certainly wouldn't fuck anyone. Ever.
I know you don't know how to deal with shit which is why I'm bothering to explain, though I realise most of this is going in one ear and swiftly out the other because you are panicked about your family knowing you're into women even though you're also into, and willing, apparently, to be with men as you are supposed to when the time comes.
I didn't say you were a moron, I said you were panicked. Anyone can panic. I have. Many times. Even when I was Heda and could not afford too.
If you're going to act as if I insulted you at least wait until I actually do it. This is like how you preemptively kick yourself out of my room when I had no such intentions of getting rid of you.
That you are not listening has nothing to do with you having a brain or not, Ren. If I thought you were brainless I would never have touched you. I wouldn't be exhausting myself over you. I wouldn't care as much as I damn well do.
I don't want to kick you out of my bed, or insult you, or even be arguing with you, again. You are young and scared and it shows but you are still worth the effort. At least, I thought there was something between us that was worth the effort. If there is not, then I was mistaken.
[Genuinely nothing about Ren should be endearing, especially when they are writing and not speaking face to face. Yet Lexa finds herself rather endeared by those little things.]
Though I do not know where we go from here. I am never going to be less than I am, and hiding myself is less than. I did it for so many years, not because my people are like yours and care that I want to be with women but because a Commander cannot afford the indulgence. It is dangerous to both them and their beloved.
It is exhausting to pretend, Ren. So, so exhausting.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
int - 1 success
i don't trust me
the fairies made my family what they are . we have a long history with them. what if you do exist and when i do here does matter and.
im not saying i am. im not saying that. but what if i fall in love with you? what if i don't forget when i go back? im being serious here. there's a chance i won't. im not like the other people here.
no subject
I promise you, Leksa Kom Trikru does not exist in your world. There is only one me, and she will be back in the flame where she was fated to be since before she was even born when the fey are done with her. Until the end of the Earth, or the end of the need for Commanders. It is the way of things.
Everyone forgets, Ren, except those of near-equal power to our captors or those who make a deal. I will forget. Which is a great tragedy... no sliver of love is worth throwing away or losing, however fleeting or unrequited. Most people here are alike each other only in surface things. I am not like anyone else, either. Beau is different. Peony is different. There's a blue man with horns, half-elves which I guess are a thing... But how we come and go seems fairly universal to me after a year and even those who would benefit from remembering when they go home, don't. [Largely.]
no subject
In black and white.
She barely had thirty years until the Apocalypse. She barely had thirty to stop it from happening. Fuck. How old would she even be in thirty years? Sixty? No. Wait. Eighteen plus thirty was...
Fourty-Eight.
If she lived that long it would be nothing short of a miracle or through the strength of her pack. Which meant she had to stop it from happening well before that. For all that this was important...she couldn't ignore the sense to dread that griped her throat at the thought of it. There was no guarantee she would last that long.]
but how do you know
everyone who doesn't remember comes back
nobody who doesn't can't be asked about what they don't remember
no subject
She sighs softly.]
While you are correct in that, Ren, I have powerful and knowledgable enough friends here and the fey do not seem to lie at all, merely twist their words now and then when it suits them. And I do not think it would suit them to have hundreds of people who in their own worlds are incredibly powerful, beyond what I even understand, to be pissed at them. Making us forget is a safeguard for them not a means to mind our hearts or the sanctity of our worlds.
You do not let a prisoner go free with information about you if you can avoid it, and they are more than capable of avoiding it.
no subject
everyone knows that
when they don't serve a purpose you kill them.
no subject
All of this is beyond the point, which is that no ill will come of you being yourself in this place. No one cares, Ren, save for you.
no subject
ive had to be careful about this for years
if anyone knew, back home, it would be the end of me
im not sayin that's right but im sayin its a fact
if you're lookin for someone who knows how to deal with this shit, you're lookin in the wrong direction, i already warned you i fuck everything like this up
no subject
They will not know Ren. I promise you. If I thought for a second anyone back home would find out I certainly wouldn't fuck anyone. Ever.
I know you don't know how to deal with shit which is why I'm bothering to explain, though I realise most of this is going in one ear and swiftly out the other because you are panicked about your family knowing you're into women even though you're also into, and willing, apparently, to be with men as you are supposed to when the time comes.
no subject
enjoy your cake
i said my piece
i won't waste your time with my moron explanations any more
[Ren is huffed.]
no subject
If you're going to act as if I insulted you at least wait until I actually do it. This is like how you preemptively kick yourself out of my room when I had no such intentions of getting rid of you.
no subject
nothing fuckin hotter than someone saying you've got nothing between your eats.
take me fucking now[/s]
its. what. im. used. to.
it's how it's been every time. this is different.
no subject
I don't want to kick you out of my bed, or insult you, or even be arguing with you, again. You are young and scared and it shows but you are still worth the effort. At least, I thought there was something between us that was worth the effort. If there is not, then I was mistaken.
no subject
im not trying to argue with you
ffs i don't even like writing this much. my hand hurts. i never write this much.
i normally would have told people to fuck off by now
i don't know. i like you. i think your hair smells nice. im trying to explain myself even though my hand hurts. you're interesting
no subject
Would you prefer to speak in person?
[That could never go wrong. Neverrrr.]
no subject
not because i don't want to see you
i don't trust myself not to say the wrong things
things are easier if i have time to think about wot im saying
no subject
Though I do not know where we go from here. I am never going to be less than I am, and hiding myself is less than. I did it for so many years, not because my people are like yours and care that I want to be with women but because a Commander cannot afford the indulgence. It is dangerous to both them and their beloved.
It is exhausting to pretend, Ren. So, so exhausting.
no subject
before everyone understud the way things has to be
ive never been in a situation like this before
it aint that i don't like you
i dont know how to do this
this is new
i aint goin to be able to do things proper until i can figure some stuff out
no subject
Until then.